Bad Day Part 2
I think an explanation about my earlier post is needed.. I did consider deleting it but I think its important to document how I felt.
I got up today feeling more down than I have since I started treatment. Its scary how quickly feeling a bit fed up can end up with me being very depressed. It seems to be the 2nd day after my injection that this is appears and today i've been wondering whether this will get progressively worse as treatment goes on. I'm now worried that as the levels of the drug in my system increase the depression wont lift a few days after the injection. After only 3 injections it feels a bit pathetic to consider giving up treatment, as I said before I'm very lucky to only need 6 months treatment with a high chance of a complete recovery.
I thought it would do me some good to get out of the house this afternoon so I decided to go for a cycle round the local park. I almost gave up and came back after I got halfway along the road and got very breathless. I decided to push on thinking the exercise would do me good and take my mind off feeling down. Eventually I got to the park after a couple of breaks to get my breath back. This was a bit worrying, i've never considered myself to be 'fit' but the effort it took just to get the park was tremendous. I'd set out a route to take round the park that I thought I could manage ok and wasn't too far, the plan being to do the same at least once a week. It would have been a good idea to check the weather before I left, as i got to about halfway round the park hailstones started to fall and it got very windy, so i stopped for yet another 5 minute break under a tree for some shelter. As i stood there thinking i wish i'd never left the house, the tears started to roll down my face. This took me by surprise, I must have been a pathetic sight but thankfully no-one was around. All i wanted to do was get home, leave the bike and find a taxi. I eventually got back on the bike and decided to push myself as hard as i could just to get home as quickly as possible.
By the time i got back i was soaked through, my body and head ached and i felt shaky, sick and breathless. I took a couple of paracetmol and wrapped myself in a blanket and lay on the sofa. I'd been out for less than an hour and had cycled approx a mile. I dozed for an hour and woke up still clutching my keys and phone. This was about 5pm and all i wanted was for it to be time for bed. I thought i'd write my blog but the earlier post was as much as i could face writing.
I find leaving my posts beneficial but i miss having a partner to share things with, but maybe thats a selfish thought... i wouldn't want to live with me right now. I've spent this evening on an rollercoaster of emotions, mostly thinking about my son who lost his fight against leukaemia in november 1999, and waiting for bedtime. I dont know how i'll feel about treatment by tomorrow but i do hope to continue. Its going to be difficult to do my injections if my emotions hit such a low every week, the physical 'sides' I can handle if the emotional ups and downs (mainly downs) weren't so bad.
I got up today feeling more down than I have since I started treatment. Its scary how quickly feeling a bit fed up can end up with me being very depressed. It seems to be the 2nd day after my injection that this is appears and today i've been wondering whether this will get progressively worse as treatment goes on. I'm now worried that as the levels of the drug in my system increase the depression wont lift a few days after the injection. After only 3 injections it feels a bit pathetic to consider giving up treatment, as I said before I'm very lucky to only need 6 months treatment with a high chance of a complete recovery.
I thought it would do me some good to get out of the house this afternoon so I decided to go for a cycle round the local park. I almost gave up and came back after I got halfway along the road and got very breathless. I decided to push on thinking the exercise would do me good and take my mind off feeling down. Eventually I got to the park after a couple of breaks to get my breath back. This was a bit worrying, i've never considered myself to be 'fit' but the effort it took just to get the park was tremendous. I'd set out a route to take round the park that I thought I could manage ok and wasn't too far, the plan being to do the same at least once a week. It would have been a good idea to check the weather before I left, as i got to about halfway round the park hailstones started to fall and it got very windy, so i stopped for yet another 5 minute break under a tree for some shelter. As i stood there thinking i wish i'd never left the house, the tears started to roll down my face. This took me by surprise, I must have been a pathetic sight but thankfully no-one was around. All i wanted to do was get home, leave the bike and find a taxi. I eventually got back on the bike and decided to push myself as hard as i could just to get home as quickly as possible.
By the time i got back i was soaked through, my body and head ached and i felt shaky, sick and breathless. I took a couple of paracetmol and wrapped myself in a blanket and lay on the sofa. I'd been out for less than an hour and had cycled approx a mile. I dozed for an hour and woke up still clutching my keys and phone. This was about 5pm and all i wanted was for it to be time for bed. I thought i'd write my blog but the earlier post was as much as i could face writing.
I find leaving my posts beneficial but i miss having a partner to share things with, but maybe thats a selfish thought... i wouldn't want to live with me right now. I've spent this evening on an rollercoaster of emotions, mostly thinking about my son who lost his fight against leukaemia in november 1999, and waiting for bedtime. I dont know how i'll feel about treatment by tomorrow but i do hope to continue. Its going to be difficult to do my injections if my emotions hit such a low every week, the physical 'sides' I can handle if the emotional ups and downs (mainly downs) weren't so bad.
posted by Alan at 11:47 PM
4 Comments:
Hi Alan,
The longest 'depressive state' I have experienced since starting treatment lasted 10 days from start to finish. The ten days started with a gentle glide down into it (lasting 4 - 5 days) and finished with a sudden lift up and out of it (2 days) at the end. The 3 days in the middle were not very pleasant. The worst thing was that I thought this might be it, I might feel like this for the rest of the treatment, and that was very scarey. I didnt know if I could last 6 months feeling like that. As you can imagine, it was a pleasant surprise to wake up feeling better but it took me a couple of days to trust the feeling.
Try to keep in mind that its drug induced and give yourself a 'time out' when you start to think of things that make you sad or angry while your feeling down (you can always think about them later when you are in a more even state and can do them justice).
Yes, the day after treatment is a bit of a 'downer' for me too. I think you were very brave to go out on your bike (like a flying ace of old, pushing the boundaries of man and machine, locked in an epic battle against the elements....etc).
Dont worry, when you are down we will be here for you (we will be here for the good stuff too).
All the best
Wendy
Hello Alan,
Sundays... Sundays are bad for me, interestingly they are the 2nd day after the injection, they are also the only unstructured day I have in my week.
You cannot bank on patterns but you may find as you progress on treatment that you will start to learn when bad emotional patches are on the horizon. My partner and I now have developed a series of coping and diversion tactics to try and head them off. Not sure if you read about my Easter, not a fun time, but I have come out of it and have had so far 10 really good strong positive days.
From the outset of treatment I tried to fight off and avoid all the feelings of depression. Sometimes though it is cathartic to let yourself feel the emotion. Paul Wilcox posted some interesting stuff about crying.
What really helps me is my weekly counselling session.
Like Wendy says going out on your bike the day after treatment is brave, why not try putting your weekly cycle ride off till the day before treatment. Another tip if you are going to try to exericse, don't do it immediately after taking the ribavirin, I swim before taking the pills in the morning. If you want something to do the day after injections why not have a massage - that is my weekly treat.
Hope you will soon feel better.
Jonathan
Hi Alan,
Sorry to hear you're feeling down. Am glad that you're going in to see your nurse. There is a reason that they list depression as a well-known side effect of this treatment - it happens. Interferon affects brain neurochemistry. Many people are prescribed antidepressant medication during treatment with good effect. Speak with your health care providers about what is best for you. Hope you're feeling better soon!
Sue
Hi Alan
Sorry to hear you are having a rough time – although we all go through down and up times (as you saw on my recent postings). As Sue has said, discuss it with your nurse tomorrow when you see her. Like others on this treatment, I believe that counselling therapy can also help – to get some of those feelings off your chest and find some equilibrium while you’re going through this chemical rollercoaster called treatment. If it isn’t something your nurse can help with (not much luck on that score in English hospitals) then she might have some information on local resources – or your GP.
And don’t worry about your posts depressing anyone – I suspect we all have the same feelings inside us from time to time with varying intensity and recognise it is good to express or at least acknowledge them.
Wish you well – look forward to reading more during the week about how it goes.
Ron
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